I am “write” on track with NaNo… Yesterday I hit my 15K mark and imposter syndrome is strong. Wifey said it sounds like a normal November for me because it is usually around this time in the game that I toss up my hands and give up. Again, it’s a typical November for me.

In my normal 9-5, I am a florist–or so I manage a flower shop. That means I am responsible for 18 employees and all the customers in a multi-million dollar company. Yes, a flower shop can make over a million bucks. And yes, they can make even more than that in the 4th largest city in the country. So, when people think I work for a flower shop, they do not have a clue on what I go through in a single day. They believe my job is to sit on my ass and poke posies all day. There are days when I can goof off, but as the holiday season picks up, so does the business. It’s two weeks to Thanksgiving and then the Christmas season is upon us. This one of the three busy seasons for a florist, and the longest of the three. People don’t get that.

So on top of being overwhelmed with daily work, I torture myself by participating in NaNoWriMo… and try to write a novel in a month. While this is an easy endeavor for me during the summer month, what makes it hard is the chaos of my daily job. If NaNo was in the summer, let me flex my muscles and write two books… But alas, it is a struggle to write one. On top of this novel, I am taxed with another project that I wanted to have finished by December and well, that is NOT going to happen which makes me feel like I am letting people down when I can’t devote my time to everything and everyone.

Even without this other project, November always makes me take a look at what I throw upon myself and I ask myself the important question, “Why am I even writing?”

Life would be so much easier to just be a reader and enjoy the work of others. I am 15 books into my writing journey and am treading water. As a “business,” I am hemorrhaging money by paying for all of programs needed: Scrivener,  WordPress, Bookfunnel, Mailerlite, Atticus, Office, and Canva. And they say writing is a free hobby. Even if I didn’t have the programs needed to promote the work, there is paying the people to help. Editors and cover artists. It is not professional to look amateur. I refuse to go backwards to release half-ass work just to turn a profit. Instead, I pay others to help… and come release day, I maybe, just maybe, make enough money to cover the cost of the next books edits let alone cover the back costs of what I forked out already in programs.

Everyone says to make money as a writer, you need to write. And you need a back catalog. How to build a back catalog is to write. But it takes money to write, to publish, to promote. Without money, you can’t churn out good content. So, there is a never-ending loop that I am stuck in. And especially in the beginning because no one knows who you are and no one wants to take a chance on a unknown kid.

On top of all of this… I can’t find footing in the Sapphic community because my work is too out there. In the horror community, I am told that I sound too much like a lesbian romance than a horror writer. Try to please one by not offending the other is a hell of a lot of work… Writing is supposed to be fun, and it is. But it is also a lot of work. I’m not opposed to work, but like every November, I am struggling to find a purpose in all of this.

All the while, I am screaming to myself… FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!

Okay, thanks for letting me rant… I’ll get back to my word count now because I have 35,000 more words to write in November.

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